Bipolar When It Counts

{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 


{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Cycles

Ever climbing.
I will never
Return to
The horrors

The nightmares
Are gone
Because I do
Not sleep.
I don’t need it.

I fill my lungs
With pure, fresh
Air, and rejoice
At its icy coldness
Deep within myself.

The mountain
Peak is within
Reach. I can reach
Up my hand
And grasp the sun.

It’s heat doesn’t
Burn me.
I am
I do not melt.

I turn back
To the crags above.
An eagle flies
By and gives me
The power to fly

I can
Go no higher.
I flap my
Wings. I rise higher
Yet. I am out among
The stars.

They are Beautiful.
I reach out my
Hand to touch
The silvery white
Disk of moon
Far away, yet mine.

I grow fearful.
I wish to go
Home, but I dont
Know how.
I cry in vain.

Somehow I
Manage to return
To my home. I
am not in control.
I hit the ground.

I open my
Eyes to see the
Night sky above
I cry in desperation.
It is time.

I claw my way
Into the ground
To bury myself
With the worms.
I belong here.

At first, I am
Safe in the cool,
Dark earth.
Then I get a chill
And fight out.

The eagle is there,
Waiting for me.
He bends his neck
So I may climb on.
I am ready.

This time,
We fly into the
Milky Way to see
It’s violence,
And beauty.

I fall
Back to the earth.
The light is blinding.
Back into my hole
And try to die.

I cry when
It doesn’t work.
I struggle against the
Bonds of dirt that
Hold me down.

The cycle begins
Again and again.
I cannot escape
I do not want to
I must find release.

{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Blood Monster

I wait.
The mists are rolling
Over me, bathing me
In opaque shadows.

I long.
I try to escape
To get away.
It is no use.

I can hear.
The beast is slowly
Sneaking up
On me.

I am afraid.
The beast with no
Name is coming
It wants me.

I wish.
Escape eludes me
And I am lost now,
In the fog.

I am troubled.
There is a draw,
And magnetic pull
Drawing me in.

I am sacrifice.
The beast wants
My blood, my
Very inner self.

I am gone.
It found me here
Lost in the fog.
Now I bleed.

{December 4, 2012}   Smoking cigarettes and what?

So here I am, sitting at home by myself, sick. Yup, sick again. Isn’t it funny how we get sick just when things are starting to look up? At least, that’s how it happens to me.

Okay, I guess I can’t really complain. I get to sit here with my feet up, smoking cigarettes and reading Byron. I’m happy as a pig in shot. Honestly. If I have to be sick, I might a well do something that I enjoy, right?

I hate to say it but I think the mania may be trying to set in again. All of a sudden, I can’t do just one thing at a time. I have about 6 different projects on the go.  Here’s a quick list.

1. Crocheting a blanket.
2. Knitting a blanket.
3. Easing a book of Byron’s satires.
4. Reading Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison (thanks mom!).
5. Cross-stitch. About 3 different projects.
6. Reading the first chapters of my psych textbooks.

I think that’s it right now. I don’t think my mind can handle too much more than that.

It is starting to worry me though. Do I really need to do so many things at a time? Is it even possible? I mean, this is around going to work, being a mom, and a wife, and, and, and…..

Holy f***ing rabbits!

So for the last week, hubbys wallet has been missing. He could not remember where he left it, no matter where I suggested. I ended up telling him that from now on, once we found it, that unless he was going out without me, his wallet was, from this point on, going to reside in my purse. He just laughed. I thinkhe thought I was kidding. I really was serious though. He just doesn’t know it yet… So today I was downstairs doing laundry when, lo and behold, there was his wallet. Falling out of the pocket of his jeans. Laying beside it was a Swiss army knife and a poker chip. Oh, the things a man keeps in his pockets. Well, at least it has been found, lol. No more begging me to find it while he is at work. And did I get a thank you? Hell no. Just ” I told you it was in my other jeans.” If you knew, why didn’t you go get it then? Oh well. At least its been found. This time it only took a week. The last time it was missing for so long that we had to cancel his bank card and buy him a new wallet, all because it fell under the dresser…

{November 19, 2012}   Long time

Again its been a long time since I posted anything here. I dontmean to neglect it, honestly. I just sometimes have a brainfart and forget that I have this going on in my head that requires a vent. Then my life blows up and I find myself crawling back and asking forgiveness for my absence.

So, I am *finally stable. At least, so I have been told. But what is stable, really?  Is it the ability to have a conversation with someone without flying into a rage? Or losing yourself in a field of rabbits (also known as random thought syndrome)?

If its one of those, then to be honest, I am truly fucked. Because I still do those things. Yeah, I know. I really need to do something about those damn rabbits…

You know, I am realizing that I am more unique than I ever realized. Truly. I have all this stuff going on, all kinds of random health problems, physical and mental, and yet I am… Well, I am kinda happy with who I am. Thanks to a random person, I have made a new discovery that I am happy with. Its a game changer. So thank you for what you said.

And on that note, I have pizza waiting. Gonna eat me some pizza…..  Okay, Im done. Im going. Really. (Anybody else notice the rabbits today?)

et cetera
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