Bipolar When It Counts











{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 

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{December 6, 2012}   meds with a side of more meds

So I saw my psydoc today. I had actually missed my appointment, and today was the first day I could get in.  So in I went.

Sitting in that office always has a strange effect on me. I guess its because I feel safe there.  I always dnd up opening up about things I wouldn’t normally talk about. Its kind of weird how that works, isn’t it?

Anyway, I have been dealing with this weird stiffness in my legs and arms. I saw my physician about it last week. She said to mention it to my psydoc so today I did. She asked me a bunch of questions and then concluded that it was a side effect from my meds. She then prescribed me a med for that.

A med for my med. Kind of funny.  I had heard that you could do that, but till now, I had avoided it.  In her book Madness, Marya Hornbacher mentions taking many different meds, some for her actual bipolar disorder and some to help control the side effects. To be honest, I was completely amazed. I didn’t know you could even do that until I read her book.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed that it would happen to me. Now that it has, I’m not sure what to think.

My psydoc did question one of my meds. How was it working? Did I have any problems with it?  Honestly, all I know is that it works. My paranoia is mostly gone now, for the first time in as long as I can remember. It would seem that I have always been paranoid. I can’t pinpoint when it may have started.  I had been living with it for so long that I didn’t even notice it.  For years it was like that.  After I started to take lithium, it became obvious. And then we couldn’t find anything that worked. Until Abilify, that is. Now its like I am a completely different person, and I guess in some ways, I am.

Anyhow, I shluld bring this back to where I lost myself. Since I am not willing to stop taking my Abilify, I need something to help wih its side effects.  Welcome to the cocktail, Cogentin. I’m not sure if I am happy to meet you, but here you are. We will get to know each other quite well, I am sure.

You know, one thing that I realized today is that I no longer have any idea which med is causing which side effects. Everything has just kind of run together. I don’t even think it matters any more. They mostly cause the same side effects anyhow: drowsiness, weight gain, blurry vision, maybe dizziness.  No wonder it all runs together now.

So that’s it for today.  While I have not run out of things to say, I feel like this is a good place to leave off. I’ll be back wih more later. Bye



et cetera
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