Bipolar When It Counts

{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 


{June 14, 2012}   She laughed at me!

So yesterday I saw my psydoc again. I do understand why they ask you how you are feeling. Really, I do. But, to be honest, it just triggers something in my head. Everything that I keep from those around me just spews out.  I go from seemingly doing well to practically vibrating from the speed with which my mind and body are running.  It’s like 0 to 1000 in half a second.

After about 5 minutes of rambling non-stop to answer her question, she was LAUGHING! I swear. Was I offended?  Mmm, nope. Can’t say that I was. Am I now? Nope.

See, I know that I am hilarious at this stage. I talked about going back to school, learning to be a tattoo artist, and about a million other things that I would like to do RIGHT NOW!  She did say that I need to avoid doing any of them, since its all caused by my mania…  Ya think??? 

So anyhoo, that was possibly the most entertaining visit to the doctor I have ever had. Can’t say I’ve ever made one laugh before. It was actually kind of gratifying…

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  She changed my meds.  Yup. Less Wellbutrin. No more Seroquel (I think. She didn’t really say. Hmmm).  Divalproex twice a day – this one is completely new, never had it before. And Risperdal. I think it took me an hour to update my med tracker app….

After my appointment, we went grocery shopping. That was interesting. As always, once the gates holding back my symptoms opens, it takes hours to get it together again. We left the Dr office and I was literally dancing and singing down the sidewalk. Squirt was with us, and after about 7 blocks, he asked me why I was so hyper. Uh. Because its fun. Because I’m in an AWESOME!!!!   mood.  Because… Aw, hell. How do I explain this to a 9 year old?

I bounced around the store, bounced home, and… Yoga. Thank the Gods for whoever created yoga. I settled a bit after that. I still spoke really fast, but I was at least able to stay in my seat.

I’m still feeling the effects today. I have fibromyalgia as well, so after all the bouncing, etc., yesterday, I am CRAZY sore today. So I’m moving slower, but still thinking way faster than I’m told I should. Like driving in 5th gear when you only need to be in 1st.

Well, I think that’s enough for now. O hope you all have an awesome day!


If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{June 2, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 1

I must apologize for the extreme delay in posting again. I realize that six months is far too long to leave a blog alone, but alas, I fell into a bad state.  I decided, like so many people in my position, to stop taking my meds. It’s now been 5 months or so, and, to be honest, it sucks.

Well, not really. Wait. Yes, it does…

So. How about a recap, shall we?

JUNE 2011

Started seeing a new psychiatrist. She put me on Buspar for anxiety. Also, Zoloft.  I questioned this one but she said it would be fine as it was only a small dose. Started at 50mg.


Saw psych Dr again (hereafter known as psydoc).  She INCREASED my Zoloft to 150mg.  Idiot. Any doc with half a brain knows better than to give a bipolar patient f***ing Zoloft. But I took it. Guess that makes me an idiot too, doesn’t it?


My lithium stops working. Now, if I am honest with myself, it hadn’t been working for quite some time. Why, after more than 6 years, was it failing?

Tune in tomorrow for more of my most recent journey into madness…

Leave me a comment and tell me what you think?  Should I have just seen another Dr? Or did I make the right choice?

et cetera
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