Bipolar When It Counts

{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 


{December 12, 2012}   Ho hum

I’m looking around me at all the snow covered buildings. Everything is quiet and calm. The stars are bright, shining their cold, distant light.

In case you were curious, here its four am. Having a rough night, I am awake. Wide awake actually.

I know I need more sleep than just two hours, but I just can’t sleep. Believe me I have tried. And will try again. But if the world wakes up before I fall asleep, I am getting up two

{December 6, 2012}   meds with a side of more meds

So I saw my psydoc today. I had actually missed my appointment, and today was the first day I could get in.  So in I went.

Sitting in that office always has a strange effect on me. I guess its because I feel safe there.  I always dnd up opening up about things I wouldn’t normally talk about. Its kind of weird how that works, isn’t it?

Anyway, I have been dealing with this weird stiffness in my legs and arms. I saw my physician about it last week. She said to mention it to my psydoc so today I did. She asked me a bunch of questions and then concluded that it was a side effect from my meds. She then prescribed me a med for that.

A med for my med. Kind of funny.  I had heard that you could do that, but till now, I had avoided it.  In her book Madness, Marya Hornbacher mentions taking many different meds, some for her actual bipolar disorder and some to help control the side effects. To be honest, I was completely amazed. I didn’t know you could even do that until I read her book.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed that it would happen to me. Now that it has, I’m not sure what to think.

My psydoc did question one of my meds. How was it working? Did I have any problems with it?  Honestly, all I know is that it works. My paranoia is mostly gone now, for the first time in as long as I can remember. It would seem that I have always been paranoid. I can’t pinpoint when it may have started.  I had been living with it for so long that I didn’t even notice it.  For years it was like that.  After I started to take lithium, it became obvious. And then we couldn’t find anything that worked. Until Abilify, that is. Now its like I am a completely different person, and I guess in some ways, I am.

Anyhow, I shluld bring this back to where I lost myself. Since I am not willing to stop taking my Abilify, I need something to help wih its side effects.  Welcome to the cocktail, Cogentin. I’m not sure if I am happy to meet you, but here you are. We will get to know each other quite well, I am sure.

You know, one thing that I realized today is that I no longer have any idea which med is causing which side effects. Everything has just kind of run together. I don’t even think it matters any more. They mostly cause the same side effects anyhow: drowsiness, weight gain, blurry vision, maybe dizziness.  No wonder it all runs together now.

So that’s it for today.  While I have not run out of things to say, I feel like this is a good place to leave off. I’ll be back wih more later. Bye

{September 10, 2012}   Now what?

I lost my best friend not too long ago. No, she didn’t pass on or anything like that. She just…isn’t my friend any more. And I don’t know what to do.

See, my BP is still causing me trouble. Granted, is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. My pdoc put me on a new med and, so far, it seems to be working. I feel so much better. At least, as long as I don’t think about what i have done.

I don’t quite understand how it all happened. One day we were friends, the next, I didn’t see her anymore. Ok, there’s more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s what happened.

Now, she might as well be dead. I don’t wish that, don’t get me wrong. I just mean that I have been going through the grieving process as though she was.

First, there was denial. I tried to convince myself, and her, that there wa nothing wrong with our friendship.

Second, anger. I blamed her new boyfriend for taking her away from me, when in reality, I had pushed her away.

Third, there was bargaining. I would have done anything if only she would just talk to me and be My friend again.

Next was depression. So strong that I almost began cutting again, just to deal with the pain. (I’m proud to say I didn’t.) I did, however, cry all the time. In fact, I still do.

Lastly, there’s acceptance. I know I fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I know I can’t make it right. I miss her every day, and some days its so hard to remember that I can’t just pick up my phone and call or text her.

I have been really hard to live with lately, I know that. She deserves more than a friend like me. If I could go back and change even a second of the pain and heartache I have caused her, I would.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. I can’t fix my friendship. Its gone and I am mourning the loss of my best friend.

I am not taking all the blame in this, however. I know I messed up, bit at that time, and even now, I needed my friend more than ever, and she left. I drove her away, but it wouldn’t have mattered. She was already halfway out the door.

So now what do I do? I have officially pushed away every person in my life except my family. All my friends are gone. How does a person cope with no friends. And trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no friends anymore.

I’m leaving town, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking this as a sign. There’s nothing at all holding me here anymore, so its time to go.

My friend. I miss you. I hope you read this, but if not, I hope you know that I wish nothing but the best for you, and that I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused you.

{August 7, 2012}   New “therapy”

Another long weekend has come and gone, and I have been in a surprisingly good mood. I don’t know if this is just an upturn in my bipolar, or if its something else. I wish I did know, but at the same time, I really don’t care. I’m just going to revel in the good feelings and hope they last. At least for a little while.

I admit, Saturday started out kind of bad. I did a lot of crying and Hubby did a lot of comforting. Everything did work out, and now all is better. So much better.

We adopted a couple of rescue digs a couple of weeks ago. They are so cute. Sydnee is the female,


Sydnee in her Lounge suit before her haircut

and Robbie is the male.


Robbie in his little Scottish vest. It has a tan too, but he shook that off right away. Also pre-bath

A brother and sister duo, both fixed, and seriously neglected. They are shihzu-bichon/pomeranian cross, so lots of fur. One of the first things I had to do was shave them both, as their fur was terribly matted and dirty. So haircut and a bath. And cut their claws. They did.t look like they had been groomed in months.  And timid. I am pretty sure they were beaten, as even getting close to them with a hand out to pet them, even if I’m standing straight up, they will both cower.  It is so sad, as they are such good dogs. They unfortunately don’t know any commands, even basic ones like sit and stay.  But we are working on it. They are eager to learn and to please.

I had been told that having pets was good for people with mental illness. I have always had cats but I have, so far, found dogs to be completely different.

Follow along as I explore this with Hubby and our two new additions.

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{August 4, 2012}   Writing

Today I feel like writing. I’m just not sure yet what I want to write. I have stuff in my computer to work on, plus poetry. Always poetry. It’s been my salvation so many times now. Just when I think I can’t cope with any more, I pick up my pen and the words just flow out. It’s almost like I’m not the one in charge. The words just appear in my head unbidden. I can’t say no to it. And once it starts, I can’t stop writing until I reach the end. But I do not determine the end. It is controlled by that same unknown force that pushes me to write in the first place.

Writing is cathartic to me. It has allowed me to open up, to see my moods in a different way. It takes me outside if myself, and allows me to breathe again when I feel I will suffocate.

My blog, sporadic though it may seem, does the same thing. By putting out there the jumble in my head, I am able to think more clearly. And trust me, if you think that the things I share are bad, just think of what I must be holding back. That is the stuff reserved for my journal and my poetry.

On the Pendulum board, we’ve been discussing creative pursuits. What about you, dear readers?  Do you have any creative endeavours that you would like to share?

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

et cetera
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