Bipolar When It Counts











So, as previously mentioned, I was given a script for Cogentin. I did what I always do, and researched online before taking it the next morning. That makes a grand total of twice, as of this morning.

What everyone failed to mention was that not only can I not keep a thought in my head long enough to get them out verbally. Not too mention the shear stupidity that I would suffer from.

My pharmacist told me that the side effects would wear off pretty quickly. After just two doses, the negatives are definitely stronger than the positives.  I’m crossing my fingers that it is just temporary.

So the phrase of the week is “stupid meds.” Now that is not to say that Cogentin itself is stupid, but that it causes it.

Let’s try an example, shall we?

“Hey honey? Have you seen my meds? ”  “Which ones? ”  “My stupid meds.”

See? Easy to fit that in to any scenario.

In all seriousness, though, I’m not sure how I feel about this med. I think I need to wait a few days to see how I feel, and, as always, do my research.

Wish me luck!

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{December 12, 2012}   Question of the day #6

I find one symptom harder than others are. For me, it is sleeping. I have tried everything I could think of, and nothing works, so far.

So here is my question of the day. 

What is the one manic-depressive symptom you have to deal with that you wish you could change.

Stay tuned! Very soon we’ll be having a draw. I will be creating a new page just for contests. And remember, the more times you enter, the better your chances!



{December 12, 2012}   Ho hum

I’m looking around me at all the snow covered buildings. Everything is quiet and calm. The stars are bright, shining their cold, distant light.

In case you were curious, here its four am. Having a rough night, I am awake. Wide awake actually.

I know I need more sleep than just two hours, but I just can’t sleep. Believe me I have tried. And will try again. But if the world wakes up before I fall asleep, I am getting up two



{October 10, 2012}   Sleepy

So today Ian the complete opposite of yesterday. In case you didn’t read yesterdays post, i woke up after 3hours and couldn’t get back to sleep. I worked all day, then came home and stayed up till 130.

Today is a completely different story. I am exhausted. I didnt want to get out of bed. I did it though, as here i am, talking to you, dear reader. But i have to say that it was tough to get out of bed. And I still want to crawl back in and sleep. I won’t, but the temptation is definitely there.

That’s the thing. Some, okay, pretty much all of the meds we have to take as people with bipolar, they cause drowsiness. Its is one of the biggest problems we face. And its not one that people understand.

The other big problem is the weight gain. Lets face it. Psych meds can, and do make us gain weight. I gained 100 lbs the first year. Rough…

So, I hear the words fat and lazy A LOT. And that’s just it. Important neither. I have lots of energy  (duh, bipolar, lol).  I barely sleep most days and I work 2 jobs, plus I am writing all the time. And researching. And studying. And taking care of my family and my house. Yeah, Im really lazy…..

So, here is the question of the day. What side effects do you suffer from? If, of course, you are taking meds.

If you don’t take meds, your questions is this: What preconceived ideas do you have about people that could be explained by side effects from meds?

Thanks for reading! I look forward to hearing from you!



{September 10, 2012}   Now what?

I lost my best friend not too long ago. No, she didn’t pass on or anything like that. She just…isn’t my friend any more. And I don’t know what to do.

See, my BP is still causing me trouble. Granted, is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. My pdoc put me on a new med and, so far, it seems to be working. I feel so much better. At least, as long as I don’t think about what i have done.

I don’t quite understand how it all happened. One day we were friends, the next, I didn’t see her anymore. Ok, there’s more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s what happened.

Now, she might as well be dead. I don’t wish that, don’t get me wrong. I just mean that I have been going through the grieving process as though she was.

First, there was denial. I tried to convince myself, and her, that there wa nothing wrong with our friendship.

Second, anger. I blamed her new boyfriend for taking her away from me, when in reality, I had pushed her away.

Third, there was bargaining. I would have done anything if only she would just talk to me and be My friend again.

Next was depression. So strong that I almost began cutting again, just to deal with the pain. (I’m proud to say I didn’t.) I did, however, cry all the time. In fact, I still do.

Lastly, there’s acceptance. I know I fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I know I can’t make it right. I miss her every day, and some days its so hard to remember that I can’t just pick up my phone and call or text her.

I have been really hard to live with lately, I know that. She deserves more than a friend like me. If I could go back and change even a second of the pain and heartache I have caused her, I would.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. I can’t fix my friendship. Its gone and I am mourning the loss of my best friend.

I am not taking all the blame in this, however. I know I messed up, bit at that time, and even now, I needed my friend more than ever, and she left. I drove her away, but it wouldn’t have mattered. She was already halfway out the door.

So now what do I do? I have officially pushed away every person in my life except my family. All my friends are gone. How does a person cope with no friends. And trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no friends anymore.

I’m leaving town, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking this as a sign. There’s nothing at all holding me here anymore, so its time to go.

My friend. I miss you. I hope you read this, but if not, I hope you know that I wish nothing but the best for you, and that I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused you.



{June 22, 2012}   No help

So sorry I haven’t written the last few days, dear reader. It was not my intention when I wrote last.

First of all, work is going well. I figured it would be much harder than what it turned out to be, although there is a lot to remember. I am getting the hang of it though.  The other girls are nice, the doctors are nice. Who would’ve thought I’d be working at a doctors clinic?

Here it is though. I managed to get really sick over the last few days. Started on Wednesday, I got a sore throat and nose. Then yesterday when I woke up, my nose was running like a faucet and my chest hurt. Not good. I called the clinic and they told me to just stay home. I’m glad I did, since I could barely lift my arms, let alone walk to work.

Then last night the cough started. By this morning, my chest felt so heavy I started to think I was going to die. I am really having a hard time breathing…

I ended up calling the pharmacy to see if there was anything I could take for my chest. Guess what?  There isn’t. Because of the Divalproex, I can’t take any cold meds. The pharmacist suggested I go and see a doctor through walk in. I have to go to work today anyway, but I don’t know that I want to see them. I haven’t told them that I am bipolar yet.

I know that they technically can’t fire me for that, but all the same, I don’t want to give them a reason. So I think walk in at work is out of the question.

Take a skip over to my question of the day. I think might have two of them today

-Lauren

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com



{June 14, 2012}   She laughed at me!

So yesterday I saw my psydoc again. I do understand why they ask you how you are feeling. Really, I do. But, to be honest, it just triggers something in my head. Everything that I keep from those around me just spews out.  I go from seemingly doing well to practically vibrating from the speed with which my mind and body are running.  It’s like 0 to 1000 in half a second.

After about 5 minutes of rambling non-stop to answer her question, she was LAUGHING! I swear. Was I offended?  Mmm, nope. Can’t say that I was. Am I now? Nope.

See, I know that I am hilarious at this stage. I talked about going back to school, learning to be a tattoo artist, and about a million other things that I would like to do RIGHT NOW!  She did say that I need to avoid doing any of them, since its all caused by my mania…  Ya think??? 

So anyhoo, that was possibly the most entertaining visit to the doctor I have ever had. Can’t say I’ve ever made one laugh before. It was actually kind of gratifying…

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  She changed my meds.  Yup. Less Wellbutrin. No more Seroquel (I think. She didn’t really say. Hmmm).  Divalproex twice a day – this one is completely new, never had it before. And Risperdal. I think it took me an hour to update my med tracker app….

After my appointment, we went grocery shopping. That was interesting. As always, once the gates holding back my symptoms opens, it takes hours to get it together again. We left the Dr office and I was literally dancing and singing down the sidewalk. Squirt was with us, and after about 7 blocks, he asked me why I was so hyper. Uh. Because its fun. Because I’m in an AWESOME!!!!   mood.  Because… Aw, hell. How do I explain this to a 9 year old?

I bounced around the store, bounced home, and… Yoga. Thank the Gods for whoever created yoga. I settled a bit after that. I still spoke really fast, but I was at least able to stay in my seat.

I’m still feeling the effects today. I have fibromyalgia as well, so after all the bouncing, etc., yesterday, I am CRAZY sore today. So I’m moving slower, but still thinking way faster than I’m told I should. Like driving in 5th gear when you only need to be in 1st.

Well, I think that’s enough for now. O hope you all have an awesome day!

-Lauren

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com



{June 11, 2012}   Question of the day #1

Ok, so if you read my last entry, you will have seen the link I posted to another blog, Bipolar Today.  If you haven’t read the article yet, go ahead and read it now.

And now on to the question of the day.  Do you, or someone you know ‘present well?’ Do you feel that this interferes with your/their ability to receive quality health care?

Ok, so its a two part question.  Post your answers in the comments section below.

-Lauren

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com



{June 4, 2012}   Check this out!!!

I found an article today on Daily Mail that discusses the link between mental illness and genius.  It is definitely worth checking out. 

Also on that subject, there is a book by Dr Kay Redfield Jamison that you can read if you want more information on the subject.  I have read it twice now. I always pick it up when I need a boost, believe it or not (unfortunately, I don’t own a copy and my local bookstore and library doesn’t carry it, which makes reading it a bit difficult).

The book is called Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. You can find on Amazon by clicking here.  Please check this book out. It’s a good size, but its well worth the read.

If you have already read it, leave me a message and let me know what you thought of it.  I look forward to hearing what you have to say!



{June 3, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 2

So, where did I leave off? Right, with the issues in December. Onward then, shall we?

DECEMBER CONT.

So I realized that my meds werent working the way they were supposed to. So what did I do? Well, I can tell you for sure that I did NOT go back to the doctor. Nope. That would have been the smart thing to do. I decided instead that since they weren’t working anyway, I just didn’t need to take them. Yup. I just stopped all of it. Brilliant, huh?

JANUARY 2012

By the middle of the month, maybe not even that long, I was a mess. To say that I was irritable was an understatement. I was picking fights with anyone I could. Most of the time it was my husband, since he was nicely available. But it really didn’t matter.

MARCH 2012

By now I was so far gone that I couldn’t even think clearly. I was absolutely impossible. And that’s being nice, trust me. I cried all the time, and my anxiety and paranoia were climbing all the time.

MAY 2012

By this point I was cycling wildly. I’d wake up in the morning and barely be able to pull myself out of bed. Then, late in the afternoon, I’d climb through the roof, wild and totally unreasonable. I was on fast forward, always thinking a out ten steps ahead of what I was saying, and none of it making sense to those around me.

I finally broke down and went to see my psydoc. She put me on Seroquel (25mg twice a day), and Wellbutrin (125mg in the am). I cried the whole time I was in her office.

TODAY

Ok, so how am I doing today? For the most part, the cycling has stopped, but I am still bordering between hypomanic and manic. I am living in fear every day that I will cross that threshold at any time. I still wonder if the people I love are really involved in some elaborate scheme to destroy me.

I’m not sleeping well, and I’m bouncing between tasks so fast that no one can keep them straight. I can though. I know exactly what I’m doing.

Each day its a struggle. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to slow down, but to be honest, its not really working. And, while I’m no longer depressed or as irritable, I still blow up for no reason, and I can’t do just one thing. Always at least… oh, I don’t know, about 17 dozen.

Keep coming back to see how things progress. I’m going to be putting up a new page to deal with the med information.

Feel free to leave a comment or two, I’d love to hear from you!



et cetera
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