Bipolar When It Counts











{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Cycles

Climbing
Ever climbing.
I will never
Return to
The horrors
Below.

The nightmares
Are gone
Because I do
Not sleep.
I don’t need it.

I fill my lungs
With pure, fresh
Air, and rejoice
At its icy coldness
Deep within myself.

The mountain
Peak is within
Reach. I can reach
Up my hand
And grasp the sun.

It’s heat doesn’t
Burn me.
I am
Ice.
I do not melt.

I turn back
To the crags above.
An eagle flies
By and gives me
The power to fly

I can
Go no higher.
I flap my
Wings. I rise higher
Yet. I am out among
The stars.

They are Beautiful.
I reach out my
Hand to touch
The silvery white
Disk of moon
Far away, yet mine.

I grow fearful.
I wish to go
Home, but I dont
Know how.
I cry in vain.

Somehow I
Manage to return
To my home. I
am not in control.
I hit the ground.

I open my
Eyes to see the
Night sky above
I cry in desperation.
It is time.

I claw my way
Into the ground
To bury myself
With the worms.
I belong here.

At first, I am
Safe in the cool,
Dark earth.
Then I get a chill
And fight out.

The eagle is there,
Waiting for me.
He bends his neck
So I may climb on.
I am ready.

This time,
We fly into the
Milky Way to see
It’s violence,
And beauty.

I fall
Back to the earth.
The light is blinding.
Back into my hole
And try to die.

I cry when
It doesn’t work.
I struggle against the
Bonds of dirt that
Hold me down.

The cycle begins
Again and again.
I cannot escape
I do not want to
I must find release.



{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Blood Monster

I wait.
The mists are rolling
Over me, bathing me
In opaque shadows.

I long.
I try to escape
To get away.
It is no use.

I can hear.
The beast is slowly
Sneaking up
On me.

I am afraid.
The beast with no
Name is coming
It wants me.

I wish.
Escape eludes me
And I am lost now,
In the fog.

I am troubled.
There is a draw,
And magnetic pull
Drawing me in.

I am sacrifice.
The beast wants
My blood, my
Very inner self.

I am gone.
It found me here
Lost in the fog.
Now I bleed.



{December 7, 2012}   Med update and a hair challenge

So I started my new med this morning. Apparently, I should be able to feel the effects within a few hours. I don’t know that I have.  I’ll tellyou though, I was super dizzy for about an hour after taking it. Something tells me that I prolly shouldn’t drive after taking this med. Either wait till I get home to take it, or wait for an hour after. Hmmm……

Any how, I’m back to work today after being off sick for four days. Its nice to be back, especially since my schedule has currently slowed down. It’ll be nice to get things back to normal.

And onto a completely different topic now. I have kept my hair short for a long time. And not necessarily by choice. I desperately want it to be much longer. Like halfway down my back long. So I am going to enlist you, my dear reader, to help keep me going with this. Once a month I’ll post a new picture of me so you can all see the progress. I will post the first pic tomorrow.

Wish me luck!



{December 6, 2012}   meds with a side of more meds

So I saw my psydoc today. I had actually missed my appointment, and today was the first day I could get in.  So in I went.

Sitting in that office always has a strange effect on me. I guess its because I feel safe there.  I always dnd up opening up about things I wouldn’t normally talk about. Its kind of weird how that works, isn’t it?

Anyway, I have been dealing with this weird stiffness in my legs and arms. I saw my physician about it last week. She said to mention it to my psydoc so today I did. She asked me a bunch of questions and then concluded that it was a side effect from my meds. She then prescribed me a med for that.

A med for my med. Kind of funny.  I had heard that you could do that, but till now, I had avoided it.  In her book Madness, Marya Hornbacher mentions taking many different meds, some for her actual bipolar disorder and some to help control the side effects. To be honest, I was completely amazed. I didn’t know you could even do that until I read her book.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed that it would happen to me. Now that it has, I’m not sure what to think.

My psydoc did question one of my meds. How was it working? Did I have any problems with it?  Honestly, all I know is that it works. My paranoia is mostly gone now, for the first time in as long as I can remember. It would seem that I have always been paranoid. I can’t pinpoint when it may have started.  I had been living with it for so long that I didn’t even notice it.  For years it was like that.  After I started to take lithium, it became obvious. And then we couldn’t find anything that worked. Until Abilify, that is. Now its like I am a completely different person, and I guess in some ways, I am.

Anyhow, I shluld bring this back to where I lost myself. Since I am not willing to stop taking my Abilify, I need something to help wih its side effects.  Welcome to the cocktail, Cogentin. I’m not sure if I am happy to meet you, but here you are. We will get to know each other quite well, I am sure.

You know, one thing that I realized today is that I no longer have any idea which med is causing which side effects. Everything has just kind of run together. I don’t even think it matters any more. They mostly cause the same side effects anyhow: drowsiness, weight gain, blurry vision, maybe dizziness.  No wonder it all runs together now.

So that’s it for today.  While I have not run out of things to say, I feel like this is a good place to leave off. I’ll be back wih more later. Bye



{December 4, 2012}   Smoking cigarettes and what?

So here I am, sitting at home by myself, sick. Yup, sick again. Isn’t it funny how we get sick just when things are starting to look up? At least, that’s how it happens to me.

Okay, I guess I can’t really complain. I get to sit here with my feet up, smoking cigarettes and reading Byron. I’m happy as a pig in shot. Honestly. If I have to be sick, I might a well do something that I enjoy, right?

I hate to say it but I think the mania may be trying to set in again. All of a sudden, I can’t do just one thing at a time. I have about 6 different projects on the go.  Here’s a quick list.

1. Crocheting a blanket.
2. Knitting a blanket.
3. Easing a book of Byron’s satires.
4. Reading Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison (thanks mom!).
5. Cross-stitch. About 3 different projects.
6. Reading the first chapters of my psych textbooks.

I think that’s it right now. I don’t think my mind can handle too much more than that.

It is starting to worry me though. Do I really need to do so many things at a time? Is it even possible? I mean, this is around going to work, being a mom, and a wife, and, and, and…..

Holy f***ing rabbits!



{November 29, 2012}   Hiho, Hiho, its off to school I go

So right now I am off to the university to pick up the forms for my doctor to fill out. I am super nervous about doing this. I’ve never actually declared that I was bipolar while at school. Not to mention that I am going to be taking some psychology classes.

All the same I am really excited. I registered for classes yesterday, three of them. Turns out, purely by chance that my professor for ALL THREE CLASSES will be the same lady. Weird. That’s never happened before. I’m curious to see how that will go…

Anyway. That form. I have to get my family doctor to fill it out, to prove that I have a disability that can be assisted by their programming. We already know that I am eligible though. This is for funding purposes.

I drop it off at the school, and meet with the counselor next Wednesday to discuss how things will go from here.

I’ll keep you posted…



{November 25, 2012}   Question of the day #5

So all you bipolar friends. In keeping with the theme of my last post, here is the question of the day today.

What is the one piece of advice you wish someone had given you, or the one tool you wish you had had when you were in school?

I look forward to reading your answers!



{November 25, 2012}   School? ? ?

So I’m thinking about going back to school in January. I’ve only got a few classes left to do before I’m finished a three year degree. The only problem is that I want to do a for year degree, which leaves me with 14 classes left. Can I do it?

Am I going to be able to handle going back? I was thinking about doing 3 classes. See, the thing us, I thrive at school. I love the environment, and the challenge it presents. The people are amazing too.

Its like a whole separate world there, one where I feel like I really belong. I would love to teach at the university level. I think it would be amazing. To share my passion with others? You can’t get much better than that!

I have always wanted to pursue my Masters and PhD. I am thinking it may be time to revisit that dream.

All of this is possible because of my
wonderful husband. He is so supportive of everything I want to do. And this is the one thing that I haven’t been able to finish since we met.

Maybe I will actually be able to finish my degree after all. Wish me luck!



So for the last week, hubbys wallet has been missing. He could not remember where he left it, no matter where I suggested. I ended up telling him that from now on, once we found it, that unless he was going out without me, his wallet was, from this point on, going to reside in my purse. He just laughed. I thinkhe thought I was kidding. I really was serious though. He just doesn’t know it yet… So today I was downstairs doing laundry when, lo and behold, there was his wallet. Falling out of the pocket of his jeans. Laying beside it was a Swiss army knife and a poker chip. Oh, the things a man keeps in his pockets. Well, at least it has been found, lol. No more begging me to find it while he is at work. And did I get a thank you? Hell no. Just ” I told you it was in my other jeans.” If you knew, why didn’t you go get it then? Oh well. At least its been found. This time it only took a week. The last time it was missing for so long that we had to cancel his bank card and buy him a new wallet, all because it fell under the dresser…



{November 22, 2012}   Just another manic… Wednesday?

Okay, okay, I know its Thursday. It just doesn’t feel like it to me right now. I worked a 16 hour overnight shift last night and, besides being tired, I’m finding that I may have lost a day…

To top it all off, I’m getting sick. Yup, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get hit pretty badly this year. I’ve managed to a skip the last few years, so I doubt I’ll get lucky again this year. Which isn’t to say I don’t have my fingers and toes crossed again for this year…

Once again, Christmas is right around the corner. And, once again, I’m at a loss. What do you buy for 3 teenagers? I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll just buy them all gift cards and let them buy their own gifts?

What do you think? Should teenagers be allowed to select their own gifts by way of gift cards?



et cetera
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