Bipolar When It Counts

{August 3, 2012}   Mess

Have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone? Like even with people all around you, there is no one to understand how you feel, or what you are thinking? That’s how I feel today. Like everyone is happy and living their lives, and I am just a ghost. An apparition that no one can see or hear or touch. No one feels my presence. No one talks to me. And no one sees the sheer anguish I feel today.

This, my dear readers, is what happens to me when hypomania has gone on for too long. This is the flip side for me. I am angry, sad, depressed, alone, invisible. Like there is a yawning black hole in front of me and I am standing with my ties hanging over the edge with nothing to stop me from falling into it. It is so tempting to just let myself go, to just lean forward and drop into the abyss, and yet I don’t. I am still fighting it. There is still hope. I think. I pray.

I wrap my invisibility around me like a blanket, soothing to my troubled mind. If I stay out of sight, then the beast can’t see me. It can’t find me standing on the edge and pull me down.

Oh God, I need help. This has gone on for too long. I’m losing my grip. I can feel it. But is it really me? Or is it maybe everyone else who is going batshit? I don’t know, but it doesn’t calm the pounding in my head. Drum beats, incessantly pounding, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always pounding.

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{November 19, 2011}   As the day goes on….

What a busy couple of days.  Ever  feel like you are falling apart in your head?  I certainly do.  Especially the last few days.  I hae spent  the last three days in a constant state of panic.  Added to that the actual panic attacks, and it has been pretty stressful.

If I could have one thing right now, it would be… what?  I have no real idea.  Something to settle down my mind, the stress.

On top of the bipolar, I have an anxiety disorder.  Which makes me paranoid of all things.  So I leave the house, and immediately, my f***ing head kicks in and my world is going to end by the time I get home again.  And then I want nothing more than to be at home, where I can protect what little I have.

I hae it stuck in my head that I must bear my burdens alone, that I am the only oone who can fix my issues.  Now, I know, in a purely academic sense, that this is not the case.  Unfortunately, my husband suffers from depression, and in trying to help him through it, I end up keeping my stress and anxiety inside.  It all came tumbling out yesterday morning, when I woke my husband up crying.  I told him everything that I had been keeping from him, an he held me while I cried.  Do I  feel better?  Believe it or not, no.  Now I just feel guilty for laying everything on him.  All in all, it really sucks.

Everyone thinks I am so strong.  I’m not.  Every day, I wake up, wondering what’s going to go wrong today.  I wake up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and can’t slow my thoughts down enough to go back to it.  I shake with the strain of it all.  I’ll climb out of bed and come downstairs, only to stare blankly at my computer, trying to figure it all out.  Maybe a few phone calls, if I think that will help.  Slowly, as I make plans for the day, the shaking subsides, and I can breathe.  Right up  until  the moment when I have to leave the house, when it starts again.

Things are really bad right now.  In so many ways.  I just keep it all to myself.  But, to be honest, my husband has been amazing.  Through it all, even though I may not talk about it all much, he has been there for me.  He has no idea how much I rely on him.  I am so lucky to have him.  Without him, I probably wouldn’t be doing as well as I am.  He is my rock, my champion.  He is, without a doubt, the best husband I could ever ask for…

et cetera
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