Bipolar When It Counts

{April 27, 2014}   Time to…

I’m debating on where to go with this blog now.  My bipolar diagnosis was officially revoked. Once my body adjusted to not having meds anymore, all my other symptoms seem to have stopped.  I am finally feeling like myself again. It only took me 9 years…


This is where my problem is.  I have been writing a blog based on my experiences as a woman with bipolar disorder, trying to raise a family and live my life as normally as possible, only to discover that what I thought I knew about myself, and my world, is wrong.


Thank you to all of my readers over the years.  I really appreciate you tuning in.  It has really meant a lot to me.  I hope all of you reach your dreams.




{August 13, 2013}   Question of the day #8

When you have a bipolar episode, do you remember the things you said and did in the weeks after you become well?

I know I only have vague memories of my behavior. Most of my memories over the last few years (read: decade) are very fuzzy. I can’t seem to remember much more than snatches that pop into my head when I’m least expecting them to. It kind of sucks, actual.

So what about you? Do you remember?

{August 13, 2013}   Changes changes changes

So much changing. We just moved to St John’s Newfoundland. Yup, we finally did it. Left Manitoba. I’m still in shock, to be honest. We have wanted to make this move for such a long time now. To know that I (we) have finally done this is incredible. What a huge step.

The logistics of such a major change are huge. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve switched provinces before. It’s just that this time, I have Meds to worry about. And a new family doctor. And a new psychiatrist. Plus switching our health care to here. And because of my health, this is something that has to be done as soon as possible.

And then the fear and anxiety kick in. Followed very closely by sheer panic and paranoia. How do I do this? How do I find a doctor that the family can all live with, plus a psychiatrist that I actually like and can work with. Yup, time for Ativan.

The more I think about it, the worse it gets too. I’m tying to stay calm, but it’s not going to well. Today is the first day in over a month that I have really been thinking about my Meds and my illness. I have stopped taking my Meds, yet again. But not because I just didn’t want to take them. I ran out of most of them at the same time. The rest were gone within a few days. My Ativan is actually expired, I even have an old bottle from 2011 lol.

Today I called the pharmacy nearby to see about transferring my Meds out here. Turns out the only thing with a refill is Ativan. Everything else is gone. But as a side note, I finally thought tow rite out the list of meds that I usually take, and when I take them. Now to hope and pray that I remember to take them to my appointment on August 22. I hope we end up with a good doctor that knows what he’s doing….


You know, I had thought, as usual, that I was doing really well handling my mood swings. Boy was I wrong! No matter what you think, when you go off your Meds, you may not notice the change but your family does. Maybe they will say something and maybe they won’t. But, no matter, you will change. Bipolar can make you too blind to see what you are doing to those around you. And that is when the damage can happen. You don’t know what you are doing most of the time, and then, once it’s all over and you are healthy again, you can’t recall those things that you thought were so funny. You try desperately to forget anyhow. After all, why do you want to remember all the hurt you caused those people in your life who matter the most?

Check out my question of the dayand join in the conversation. I would love to get some opinions for you, my dear readers!

{October 10, 2012}   Heartbreaking

This was such a tragedy. My heart still goes out to Matthew and his family.

Talk About Equality

On October 7, 1998, Aaron Kreifels was riding his bike through a field in Wyoming. He wasn’t expecting that day to be different from any other beautiful sunny afternoon in the vast plains surrounding Laramie, but that day would change many lives.

Aaron spotted what he initially thought was a scarecrow next to a fence. Then he noticed a glisten of blood. The sun sparkled on what he barely recognized as a face. What Aaron had discovered was the 22 year-old Matthew Shepard, clinging to life.

Most of you know what happened next. Matthew held on for five more days and as his parents held his hand and prayed, Matthew slipped away quietly on October 12th, leaving in his wake a new movement for equality.

The outcries for justice and for greater protections were immediate and resonating.

Since then, Matthew’s mother Judy has made it her personal mission to protect…

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{August 4, 2012}   Writing

Today I feel like writing. I’m just not sure yet what I want to write. I have stuff in my computer to work on, plus poetry. Always poetry. It’s been my salvation so many times now. Just when I think I can’t cope with any more, I pick up my pen and the words just flow out. It’s almost like I’m not the one in charge. The words just appear in my head unbidden. I can’t say no to it. And once it starts, I can’t stop writing until I reach the end. But I do not determine the end. It is controlled by that same unknown force that pushes me to write in the first place.

Writing is cathartic to me. It has allowed me to open up, to see my moods in a different way. It takes me outside if myself, and allows me to breathe again when I feel I will suffocate.

My blog, sporadic though it may seem, does the same thing. By putting out there the jumble in my head, I am able to think more clearly. And trust me, if you think that the things I share are bad, just think of what I must be holding back. That is the stuff reserved for my journal and my poetry.

On the Pendulum board, we’ve been discussing creative pursuits. What about you, dear readers?  Do you have any creative endeavours that you would like to share?

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{August 3, 2012}   Mess

Have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone? Like even with people all around you, there is no one to understand how you feel, or what you are thinking? That’s how I feel today. Like everyone is happy and living their lives, and I am just a ghost. An apparition that no one can see or hear or touch. No one feels my presence. No one talks to me. And no one sees the sheer anguish I feel today.

This, my dear readers, is what happens to me when hypomania has gone on for too long. This is the flip side for me. I am angry, sad, depressed, alone, invisible. Like there is a yawning black hole in front of me and I am standing with my ties hanging over the edge with nothing to stop me from falling into it. It is so tempting to just let myself go, to just lean forward and drop into the abyss, and yet I don’t. I am still fighting it. There is still hope. I think. I pray.

I wrap my invisibility around me like a blanket, soothing to my troubled mind. If I stay out of sight, then the beast can’t see me. It can’t find me standing on the edge and pull me down.

Oh God, I need help. This has gone on for too long. I’m losing my grip. I can feel it. But is it really me? Or is it maybe everyone else who is going batshit? I don’t know, but it doesn’t calm the pounding in my head. Drum beats, incessantly pounding, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always pounding.

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{August 2, 2012}   Walking away

Ok, so what has it been? Six weeks? Something like that anyways. What can I say, I’m having issues. Okay, I admit, I always have issues, but this has been a bit different.

I think the last time I wrote, I commented on my new meds.  Since then, I’ve been taken off the Risperdal and put on zyprexa.  I’ve taken it before (honestly, there isn’t much available here that I haven’t taken before), but at a much lower dose. The first time, and the second time, I started at 2.5mg. Second time was increased to 5mg. When it didn’t work, I was put on something else. Haldol, I think. That kind of worked. I guess.

This time, my psydoc thought it would be best to put me on… wait for it….10mg!  Really? Are you trying to make me a complete zombie?  Honestly, I’m trying really hard to live my life as normally as possible. I have a family and a job to worry about, not to mention a B.A. that I would like to finish before the decade is through.

I know that life with bipolar disorder is not, nor will it ever be, “normal,” but I keep trying. And every time I seem to finally be getting somewhere with that, something else comes up that just smashes my plans to bits.

To make matters even worse, the meds just aren’t working. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I’m sure they would work much better if I actually took them every time I was supposed to. I try, really I do, but some days it just seems like such a hassle.  I have alarms on my smartphone set to go off 4 times a day through an app I downloaded called Medtracker.  It sounds an alarm, tells me what I need to take, and in what dose. It even keeps track of things like how many refills I have, and how many pills left in my stock at home. It’s actually a great app. Too bad I just turn of the alarm and, well, do nothing most of the time.

All the pill skipping had seriously affected my mood, but honestly, I don’t notice it. It’s not until after an outburst that I realize what I have said or done. By then, most of the time, the damage had been done and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. After years of putting up with my mercurial moods, my so-called “normal” friends are all walking away. I don’t think it will matter anymore what I say or do, I won’t be able to fix it this time. After a while, apologies just sound hollow.

We all need friends. A strong support network is vital to the health of someone with a mental illness. So what are we to do when those we count on distance themselves from us?

What do you think? Should we be forgiven at every turn, or does there come a time when its too late to fix what we have done?

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{June 12, 2012}   Last night I..

Last night, Hubby and I engaged in our weekly Monday night ritual…  We watched Monday Night Raw. Yup, we are huge wrestling fans– I’m so glad we have that in common.

I mention it because I would like to share with you my reactions whenever we watch it.  I basically lose my mind. It’s true!  I get so hyped up and excited that I am cheering when my favourites come down the ramp, I tell announcer Michael Cole to shut the hell up, and if one of my favourites is in a match, I cheer them on as though I was actually there.

I know a lot of it is choreographed sequences and blah, blah, blah.  Guess what? I don’t care. Watching wrestling with me is like watching a hockey game with a mouthy fan.  Yup, I’m the chick you’d be telling to sit down and shut up!

Why is this important?  Well, its not really.  It’s just fun and entertaining.  Oh yeah, and its a major distraction from day to day life.

I have a tendency to obsess over things that are a) untrue, or b) out of my control. Watching wrestling twice a week allows me to hit my own ‘reset’ button. 

Ok, so I guess it is important then.  So what activities do you do for fun with family or friends? As wrestling is an evening activity, twice a week I just let my imagination loose. I yell and scream at the tv, cheer on my favourites, call down my not-so-favourites, and just plainly have a good time.  And a good time it is. 


If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{November 17, 2011}   Welcome to my life…

Well, here it is.  I am bipolar.  Yup, I have some serious problems.  At least, that’s how the world tends to view me.  I am here to dispel the myth that people with bipolar disorder are (insert negative word describing mental state).  I don’t know that it’s actually going to work, seeing as I fully intend to disclose whatever I feel is relevent.  Meds, random thoughts, whatever I feel is interesting.

I fully realize that this could blow up in my face.  I am using my real name, and using real stories.  I can assure you now, I am not crazy.  Not in the sense that most people use that word.  I just think and feel  differently than most.

So what is the point?  I am sick of having to validate myself to everyone, simply because they don’t understand.  And I know I am not the only one to feel this way.  My intention is to try to break down some of the barriers that have been presented to myself, and every other person with a mental illness.

So grab a cup of tea (or coffee if you like), and cozy on up.  Its gonna be a crazy ride….




et cetera
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