Bipolar When It Counts











{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 



{December 12, 2012}   Question of the day #7

What is the worst side effect you suffer from, and how do you deal with it?

Personally, I keep a mood journal.  I graduated from a large one to a small one so I could keep it in my purse. Its working so far.

So tell us all how you deal with your side effects.

I look forward to reading your comments!



{December 12, 2012}   Rabbits…

I am very confused lately. Even reading previous blog entries doesn’t help. The rabbits have come to live inside my head. Again. The new med makes it difficult to keep things back on track. I just don’t know what else to do. I just figured if I shared with you, that maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone with all this…



{December 12, 2012}   Ho hum

I’m looking around me at all the snow covered buildings. Everything is quiet and calm. The stars are bright, shining their cold, distant light.

In case you were curious, here its four am. Having a rough night, I am awake. Wide awake actually.

I know I need more sleep than just two hours, but I just can’t sleep. Believe me I have tried. And will try again. But if the world wakes up before I fall asleep, I am getting up two



{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Cycles

Climbing
Ever climbing.
I will never
Return to
The horrors
Below.

The nightmares
Are gone
Because I do
Not sleep.
I don’t need it.

I fill my lungs
With pure, fresh
Air, and rejoice
At its icy coldness
Deep within myself.

The mountain
Peak is within
Reach. I can reach
Up my hand
And grasp the sun.

It’s heat doesn’t
Burn me.
I am
Ice.
I do not melt.

I turn back
To the crags above.
An eagle flies
By and gives me
The power to fly

I can
Go no higher.
I flap my
Wings. I rise higher
Yet. I am out among
The stars.

They are Beautiful.
I reach out my
Hand to touch
The silvery white
Disk of moon
Far away, yet mine.

I grow fearful.
I wish to go
Home, but I dont
Know how.
I cry in vain.

Somehow I
Manage to return
To my home. I
am not in control.
I hit the ground.

I open my
Eyes to see the
Night sky above
I cry in desperation.
It is time.

I claw my way
Into the ground
To bury myself
With the worms.
I belong here.

At first, I am
Safe in the cool,
Dark earth.
Then I get a chill
And fight out.

The eagle is there,
Waiting for me.
He bends his neck
So I may climb on.
I am ready.

This time,
We fly into the
Milky Way to see
It’s violence,
And beauty.

I fall
Back to the earth.
The light is blinding.
Back into my hole
And try to die.

I cry when
It doesn’t work.
I struggle against the
Bonds of dirt that
Hold me down.

The cycle begins
Again and again.
I cannot escape
I do not want to
I must find release.



{December 7, 2012}   Poem: Blood Monster

I wait.
The mists are rolling
Over me, bathing me
In opaque shadows.

I long.
I try to escape
To get away.
It is no use.

I can hear.
The beast is slowly
Sneaking up
On me.

I am afraid.
The beast with no
Name is coming
It wants me.

I wish.
Escape eludes me
And I am lost now,
In the fog.

I am troubled.
There is a draw,
And magnetic pull
Drawing me in.

I am sacrifice.
The beast wants
My blood, my
Very inner self.

I am gone.
It found me here
Lost in the fog.
Now I bleed.



{December 7, 2012}   Med update and a hair challenge

So I started my new med this morning. Apparently, I should be able to feel the effects within a few hours. I don’t know that I have.  I’ll tellyou though, I was super dizzy for about an hour after taking it. Something tells me that I prolly shouldn’t drive after taking this med. Either wait till I get home to take it, or wait for an hour after. Hmmm……

Any how, I’m back to work today after being off sick for four days. Its nice to be back, especially since my schedule has currently slowed down. It’ll be nice to get things back to normal.

And onto a completely different topic now. I have kept my hair short for a long time. And not necessarily by choice. I desperately want it to be much longer. Like halfway down my back long. So I am going to enlist you, my dear reader, to help keep me going with this. Once a month I’ll post a new picture of me so you can all see the progress. I will post the first pic tomorrow.

Wish me luck!



{November 29, 2012}   Hiho, Hiho, its off to school I go

So right now I am off to the university to pick up the forms for my doctor to fill out. I am super nervous about doing this. I’ve never actually declared that I was bipolar while at school. Not to mention that I am going to be taking some psychology classes.

All the same I am really excited. I registered for classes yesterday, three of them. Turns out, purely by chance that my professor for ALL THREE CLASSES will be the same lady. Weird. That’s never happened before. I’m curious to see how that will go…

Anyway. That form. I have to get my family doctor to fill it out, to prove that I have a disability that can be assisted by their programming. We already know that I am eligible though. This is for funding purposes.

I drop it off at the school, and meet with the counselor next Wednesday to discuss how things will go from here.

I’ll keep you posted…



{November 25, 2012}   Question of the day #5

So all you bipolar friends. In keeping with the theme of my last post, here is the question of the day today.

What is the one piece of advice you wish someone had given you, or the one tool you wish you had had when you were in school?

I look forward to reading your answers!



{November 25, 2012}   School? ? ?

So I’m thinking about going back to school in January. I’ve only got a few classes left to do before I’m finished a three year degree. The only problem is that I want to do a for year degree, which leaves me with 14 classes left. Can I do it?

Am I going to be able to handle going back? I was thinking about doing 3 classes. See, the thing us, I thrive at school. I love the environment, and the challenge it presents. The people are amazing too.

Its like a whole separate world there, one where I feel like I really belong. I would love to teach at the university level. I think it would be amazing. To share my passion with others? You can’t get much better than that!

I have always wanted to pursue my Masters and PhD. I am thinking it may be time to revisit that dream.

All of this is possible because of my
wonderful husband. He is so supportive of everything I want to do. And this is the one thing that I haven’t been able to finish since we met.

Maybe I will actually be able to finish my degree after all. Wish me luck!



et cetera
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