Bipolar When It Counts











{December 7, 2012}   Med update and a hair challenge

So I started my new med this morning. Apparently, I should be able to feel the effects within a few hours. I don’t know that I have.  I’ll tellyou though, I was super dizzy for about an hour after taking it. Something tells me that I prolly shouldn’t drive after taking this med. Either wait till I get home to take it, or wait for an hour after. Hmmm……

Any how, I’m back to work today after being off sick for four days. Its nice to be back, especially since my schedule has currently slowed down. It’ll be nice to get things back to normal.

And onto a completely different topic now. I have kept my hair short for a long time. And not necessarily by choice. I desperately want it to be much longer. Like halfway down my back long. So I am going to enlist you, my dear reader, to help keep me going with this. Once a month I’ll post a new picture of me so you can all see the progress. I will post the first pic tomorrow.

Wish me luck!



{December 4, 2012}   Smoking cigarettes and what?

So here I am, sitting at home by myself, sick. Yup, sick again. Isn’t it funny how we get sick just when things are starting to look up? At least, that’s how it happens to me.

Okay, I guess I can’t really complain. I get to sit here with my feet up, smoking cigarettes and reading Byron. I’m happy as a pig in shot. Honestly. If I have to be sick, I might a well do something that I enjoy, right?

I hate to say it but I think the mania may be trying to set in again. All of a sudden, I can’t do just one thing at a time. I have about 6 different projects on the go.  Here’s a quick list.

1. Crocheting a blanket.
2. Knitting a blanket.
3. Easing a book of Byron’s satires.
4. Reading Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison (thanks mom!).
5. Cross-stitch. About 3 different projects.
6. Reading the first chapters of my psych textbooks.

I think that’s it right now. I don’t think my mind can handle too much more than that.

It is starting to worry me though. Do I really need to do so many things at a time? Is it even possible? I mean, this is around going to work, being a mom, and a wife, and, and, and…..

Holy f***ing rabbits!



{August 3, 2012}   Mess

Have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone? Like even with people all around you, there is no one to understand how you feel, or what you are thinking? That’s how I feel today. Like everyone is happy and living their lives, and I am just a ghost. An apparition that no one can see or hear or touch. No one feels my presence. No one talks to me. And no one sees the sheer anguish I feel today.

This, my dear readers, is what happens to me when hypomania has gone on for too long. This is the flip side for me. I am angry, sad, depressed, alone, invisible. Like there is a yawning black hole in front of me and I am standing with my ties hanging over the edge with nothing to stop me from falling into it. It is so tempting to just let myself go, to just lean forward and drop into the abyss, and yet I don’t. I am still fighting it. There is still hope. I think. I pray.

I wrap my invisibility around me like a blanket, soothing to my troubled mind. If I stay out of sight, then the beast can’t see me. It can’t find me standing on the edge and pull me down.

Oh God, I need help. This has gone on for too long. I’m losing my grip. I can feel it. But is it really me? Or is it maybe everyone else who is going batshit? I don’t know, but it doesn’t calm the pounding in my head. Drum beats, incessantly pounding, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always pounding.

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com



{June 14, 2012}   She laughed at me!

So yesterday I saw my psydoc again. I do understand why they ask you how you are feeling. Really, I do. But, to be honest, it just triggers something in my head. Everything that I keep from those around me just spews out.  I go from seemingly doing well to practically vibrating from the speed with which my mind and body are running.  It’s like 0 to 1000 in half a second.

After about 5 minutes of rambling non-stop to answer her question, she was LAUGHING! I swear. Was I offended?  Mmm, nope. Can’t say that I was. Am I now? Nope.

See, I know that I am hilarious at this stage. I talked about going back to school, learning to be a tattoo artist, and about a million other things that I would like to do RIGHT NOW!  She did say that I need to avoid doing any of them, since its all caused by my mania…  Ya think??? 

So anyhoo, that was possibly the most entertaining visit to the doctor I have ever had. Can’t say I’ve ever made one laugh before. It was actually kind of gratifying…

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  She changed my meds.  Yup. Less Wellbutrin. No more Seroquel (I think. She didn’t really say. Hmmm).  Divalproex twice a day – this one is completely new, never had it before. And Risperdal. I think it took me an hour to update my med tracker app….

After my appointment, we went grocery shopping. That was interesting. As always, once the gates holding back my symptoms opens, it takes hours to get it together again. We left the Dr office and I was literally dancing and singing down the sidewalk. Squirt was with us, and after about 7 blocks, he asked me why I was so hyper. Uh. Because its fun. Because I’m in an AWESOME!!!!   mood.  Because… Aw, hell. How do I explain this to a 9 year old?

I bounced around the store, bounced home, and… Yoga. Thank the Gods for whoever created yoga. I settled a bit after that. I still spoke really fast, but I was at least able to stay in my seat.

I’m still feeling the effects today. I have fibromyalgia as well, so after all the bouncing, etc., yesterday, I am CRAZY sore today. So I’m moving slower, but still thinking way faster than I’m told I should. Like driving in 5th gear when you only need to be in 1st.

Well, I think that’s enough for now. O hope you all have an awesome day!

-Lauren

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com



{June 3, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 2

So, where did I leave off? Right, with the issues in December. Onward then, shall we?

DECEMBER CONT.

So I realized that my meds werent working the way they were supposed to. So what did I do? Well, I can tell you for sure that I did NOT go back to the doctor. Nope. That would have been the smart thing to do. I decided instead that since they weren’t working anyway, I just didn’t need to take them. Yup. I just stopped all of it. Brilliant, huh?

JANUARY 2012

By the middle of the month, maybe not even that long, I was a mess. To say that I was irritable was an understatement. I was picking fights with anyone I could. Most of the time it was my husband, since he was nicely available. But it really didn’t matter.

MARCH 2012

By now I was so far gone that I couldn’t even think clearly. I was absolutely impossible. And that’s being nice, trust me. I cried all the time, and my anxiety and paranoia were climbing all the time.

MAY 2012

By this point I was cycling wildly. I’d wake up in the morning and barely be able to pull myself out of bed. Then, late in the afternoon, I’d climb through the roof, wild and totally unreasonable. I was on fast forward, always thinking a out ten steps ahead of what I was saying, and none of it making sense to those around me.

I finally broke down and went to see my psydoc. She put me on Seroquel (25mg twice a day), and Wellbutrin (125mg in the am). I cried the whole time I was in her office.

TODAY

Ok, so how am I doing today? For the most part, the cycling has stopped, but I am still bordering between hypomanic and manic. I am living in fear every day that I will cross that threshold at any time. I still wonder if the people I love are really involved in some elaborate scheme to destroy me.

I’m not sleeping well, and I’m bouncing between tasks so fast that no one can keep them straight. I can though. I know exactly what I’m doing.

Each day its a struggle. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to slow down, but to be honest, its not really working. And, while I’m no longer depressed or as irritable, I still blow up for no reason, and I can’t do just one thing. Always at least… oh, I don’t know, about 17 dozen.

Keep coming back to see how things progress. I’m going to be putting up a new page to deal with the med information.

Feel free to leave a comment or two, I’d love to hear from you!



{June 2, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 1

I must apologize for the extreme delay in posting again. I realize that six months is far too long to leave a blog alone, but alas, I fell into a bad state.  I decided, like so many people in my position, to stop taking my meds. It’s now been 5 months or so, and, to be honest, it sucks.

Well, not really. Wait. Yes, it does…

So. How about a recap, shall we?

JUNE 2011

Started seeing a new psychiatrist. She put me on Buspar for anxiety. Also, Zoloft.  I questioned this one but she said it would be fine as it was only a small dose. Started at 50mg.

AUGUST 2011

Saw psych Dr again (hereafter known as psydoc).  She INCREASED my Zoloft to 150mg.  Idiot. Any doc with half a brain knows better than to give a bipolar patient f***ing Zoloft. But I took it. Guess that makes me an idiot too, doesn’t it?

DECEMBER 2011

My lithium stops working. Now, if I am honest with myself, it hadn’t been working for quite some time. Why, after more than 6 years, was it failing?

Tune in tomorrow for more of my most recent journey into madness…

Leave me a comment and tell me what you think?  Should I have just seen another Dr? Or did I make the right choice?



et cetera
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