Bipolar When It Counts

{December 13, 2012}   Blind as a bat

I recently got new glasses. I was really excited about it (what can I say, I’m a bit of a dork). And, to make even more interesting, my prescription changed for the better.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that the optometrist is a quack.  Now that my eyes have adjusted, I realize that my sight is really blurry.

I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I admit. But not that bad, really. Just a little bit. Honest.

So anyway, I googled blurred vision and came up with all kinds of answers. Of course,  the chances of me having any of them is very, very slim.

So now, I can’t see, and im afraid im going to die. Great. Paranoid much?   And here I thought that I done with all that. I guess I was really wrong.

Paranoia comes in many forms. Mine focuses mainly on my friends and family. That the only reason they stick around is because they enjoy f*cking with my head. I cant convince myself that they aren’t going to hurt me. I honestly cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel that way.

The other fear is of dying in my sleep. Truly. And it terrifies so much that, without my temazepam, I can stay up for hours, in bed, until I just can’t stay alert anymore. And every morning when I wake up, I am amazed that I made it through another night.

Ive never really said anything about any of this to anyone. Leave it to me to share this with perfect strangers.I guess that’s just part of the game.

I don’t really know what should come next but I’m going to quit while I still can. 


{August 3, 2012}   Mess

Have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone? Like even with people all around you, there is no one to understand how you feel, or what you are thinking? That’s how I feel today. Like everyone is happy and living their lives, and I am just a ghost. An apparition that no one can see or hear or touch. No one feels my presence. No one talks to me. And no one sees the sheer anguish I feel today.

This, my dear readers, is what happens to me when hypomania has gone on for too long. This is the flip side for me. I am angry, sad, depressed, alone, invisible. Like there is a yawning black hole in front of me and I am standing with my ties hanging over the edge with nothing to stop me from falling into it. It is so tempting to just let myself go, to just lean forward and drop into the abyss, and yet I don’t. I am still fighting it. There is still hope. I think. I pray.

I wrap my invisibility around me like a blanket, soothing to my troubled mind. If I stay out of sight, then the beast can’t see me. It can’t find me standing on the edge and pull me down.

Oh God, I need help. This has gone on for too long. I’m losing my grip. I can feel it. But is it really me? Or is it maybe everyone else who is going batshit? I don’t know, but it doesn’t calm the pounding in my head. Drum beats, incessantly pounding, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always pounding.

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{June 4, 2012}   Check this out!!!

I found an article today on Daily Mail that discusses the link between mental illness and genius.  It is definitely worth checking out. 

Also on that subject, there is a book by Dr Kay Redfield Jamison that you can read if you want more information on the subject.  I have read it twice now. I always pick it up when I need a boost, believe it or not (unfortunately, I don’t own a copy and my local bookstore and library doesn’t carry it, which makes reading it a bit difficult).

The book is called Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. You can find on Amazon by clicking here.  Please check this book out. It’s a good size, but its well worth the read.

If you have already read it, leave me a message and let me know what you thought of it.  I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

{June 3, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 2

So, where did I leave off? Right, with the issues in December. Onward then, shall we?


So I realized that my meds werent working the way they were supposed to. So what did I do? Well, I can tell you for sure that I did NOT go back to the doctor. Nope. That would have been the smart thing to do. I decided instead that since they weren’t working anyway, I just didn’t need to take them. Yup. I just stopped all of it. Brilliant, huh?


By the middle of the month, maybe not even that long, I was a mess. To say that I was irritable was an understatement. I was picking fights with anyone I could. Most of the time it was my husband, since he was nicely available. But it really didn’t matter.

MARCH 2012

By now I was so far gone that I couldn’t even think clearly. I was absolutely impossible. And that’s being nice, trust me. I cried all the time, and my anxiety and paranoia were climbing all the time.

MAY 2012

By this point I was cycling wildly. I’d wake up in the morning and barely be able to pull myself out of bed. Then, late in the afternoon, I’d climb through the roof, wild and totally unreasonable. I was on fast forward, always thinking a out ten steps ahead of what I was saying, and none of it making sense to those around me.

I finally broke down and went to see my psydoc. She put me on Seroquel (25mg twice a day), and Wellbutrin (125mg in the am). I cried the whole time I was in her office.


Ok, so how am I doing today? For the most part, the cycling has stopped, but I am still bordering between hypomanic and manic. I am living in fear every day that I will cross that threshold at any time. I still wonder if the people I love are really involved in some elaborate scheme to destroy me.

I’m not sleeping well, and I’m bouncing between tasks so fast that no one can keep them straight. I can though. I know exactly what I’m doing.

Each day its a struggle. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to slow down, but to be honest, its not really working. And, while I’m no longer depressed or as irritable, I still blow up for no reason, and I can’t do just one thing. Always at least… oh, I don’t know, about 17 dozen.

Keep coming back to see how things progress. I’m going to be putting up a new page to deal with the med information.

Feel free to leave a comment or two, I’d love to hear from you!

{June 2, 2012}   Long time coming… Part 1

I must apologize for the extreme delay in posting again. I realize that six months is far too long to leave a blog alone, but alas, I fell into a bad state.  I decided, like so many people in my position, to stop taking my meds. It’s now been 5 months or so, and, to be honest, it sucks.

Well, not really. Wait. Yes, it does…

So. How about a recap, shall we?

JUNE 2011

Started seeing a new psychiatrist. She put me on Buspar for anxiety. Also, Zoloft.  I questioned this one but she said it would be fine as it was only a small dose. Started at 50mg.


Saw psych Dr again (hereafter known as psydoc).  She INCREASED my Zoloft to 150mg.  Idiot. Any doc with half a brain knows better than to give a bipolar patient f***ing Zoloft. But I took it. Guess that makes me an idiot too, doesn’t it?


My lithium stops working. Now, if I am honest with myself, it hadn’t been working for quite some time. Why, after more than 6 years, was it failing?

Tune in tomorrow for more of my most recent journey into madness…

Leave me a comment and tell me what you think?  Should I have just seen another Dr? Or did I make the right choice?

et cetera
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