Bipolar When It Counts

{December 12, 2012}   Question of the day #7

What is the worst side effect you suffer from, and how do you deal with it?

Personally, I keep a mood journal.  I graduated from a large one to a small one so I could keep it in my purse. Its working so far.

So tell us all how you deal with your side effects.

I look forward to reading your comments!


{November 29, 2012}   Hiho, Hiho, its off to school I go

So right now I am off to the university to pick up the forms for my doctor to fill out. I am super nervous about doing this. I’ve never actually declared that I was bipolar while at school. Not to mention that I am going to be taking some psychology classes.

All the same I am really excited. I registered for classes yesterday, three of them. Turns out, purely by chance that my professor for ALL THREE CLASSES will be the same lady. Weird. That’s never happened before. I’m curious to see how that will go…

Anyway. That form. I have to get my family doctor to fill it out, to prove that I have a disability that can be assisted by their programming. We already know that I am eligible though. This is for funding purposes.

I drop it off at the school, and meet with the counselor next Wednesday to discuss how things will go from here.

I’ll keep you posted…

{November 20, 2012}   Dear self,

I want you to know that, no matter what you may think right now, the beast inside is trying to get out again. If you aren’t careful, you will have one hell of a fight coming up.

It is unhappy with being ignored again for so long. Those “rabbits” are telling you something important so its time to pay attention.

The beast is going to return, more powerful than ever, if you don’t do something soon.

Remember to take your meds, sleep enough, and, above all, be thankful for all the blessings you have. Realize how important it all is and fight. Don’t ever give up, for when you do, you will lose the battle. This you cannot do.

The beast can only win if you let it…


{September 20, 2012}   Am I?

I am… stable. I think. I feel better. Really. At least my mood have stabilized. A lot. The abilify, combined with divalproex, seem to have done the trick. I don’t cry, scream, rant or rave. I have a job again. Its casual, but at least its a job. Im still trying to get things put back together, but I feel now like this is possible. I know that I can’t go back, but I can move forward. I can try asking for forgiveness. And hope. There is always hope. Hope and trust. Two things we all take for granted. You don’t realiZe how much you rely on them till you don’t have them any more… My bff wrote a response to my last post. Im going to approve it so you can all see it. Sometimes, you just have to believe that everything will change for the better. Hope and trust.

{September 10, 2012}   Now what?

I lost my best friend not too long ago. No, she didn’t pass on or anything like that. She just…isn’t my friend any more. And I don’t know what to do.

See, my BP is still causing me trouble. Granted, is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. My pdoc put me on a new med and, so far, it seems to be working. I feel so much better. At least, as long as I don’t think about what i have done.

I don’t quite understand how it all happened. One day we were friends, the next, I didn’t see her anymore. Ok, there’s more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s what happened.

Now, she might as well be dead. I don’t wish that, don’t get me wrong. I just mean that I have been going through the grieving process as though she was.

First, there was denial. I tried to convince myself, and her, that there wa nothing wrong with our friendship.

Second, anger. I blamed her new boyfriend for taking her away from me, when in reality, I had pushed her away.

Third, there was bargaining. I would have done anything if only she would just talk to me and be My friend again.

Next was depression. So strong that I almost began cutting again, just to deal with the pain. (I’m proud to say I didn’t.) I did, however, cry all the time. In fact, I still do.

Lastly, there’s acceptance. I know I fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I know I can’t make it right. I miss her every day, and some days its so hard to remember that I can’t just pick up my phone and call or text her.

I have been really hard to live with lately, I know that. She deserves more than a friend like me. If I could go back and change even a second of the pain and heartache I have caused her, I would.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. I can’t fix my friendship. Its gone and I am mourning the loss of my best friend.

I am not taking all the blame in this, however. I know I messed up, bit at that time, and even now, I needed my friend more than ever, and she left. I drove her away, but it wouldn’t have mattered. She was already halfway out the door.

So now what do I do? I have officially pushed away every person in my life except my family. All my friends are gone. How does a person cope with no friends. And trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no friends anymore.

I’m leaving town, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking this as a sign. There’s nothing at all holding me here anymore, so its time to go.

My friend. I miss you. I hope you read this, but if not, I hope you know that I wish nothing but the best for you, and that I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused you.

{June 22, 2012}   Question of the day #4

Ok, here’s todays question of the day.  I was told that because of my meds, I can’t take any cold remedies.

So what do you do when you can’t take anything? How do you deal with being sick?

Share your answers below. I look forward to hearing from you!


If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{June 18, 2012}   *Yawn….

Morning all.  I start a new job this morning, so I wanted to stop in and chitchat before I have to go.

It is faaaar to early. I woke up, on my own, at 523am. My alarm’s not set to go off until 645am, which, as of this writing, is still 8 minutes away. *sigh.

The worst part is that I didn’t fall asleep until some time around 230am. Figures. First day at a new job, and I decide its a good idea to get as little sleep as possible.

Does that ever happen to you, dear reader? I understand excitement keeping one from sleeping, but anxiety? That one’s pretty new. I was/am so worried about being late this morning that when I looked at the clock, I swore it said 630, not 530. Then I got up and grabbed my phone, only to discover it was too early. The danger of course, of going back to bed is two-fold. Either I will fight to fall asleep unsuccessfully and give myself a massive headache, or, I would fall back to sleep easily, and end up sleeping through my alarm and end up being late. I would wager that it would be the first, but all the same, I chose not to take the chance. And I ended up with a headache anyways.

Oh well. I better start getting ready. Squirt is up and he needs breakfast before he goes to school- which is thankfully almost done for the year. (Yay- Miss Ma’am will be here in just 2 weeks!)

Have a great day, dear reader, and if I get a chance, I’ll stop by this evening!


If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at

{June 8, 2012}   Should do???

Ok, ok, I know my last entry was boring. But honestly, its an issue that we all face. One of the biggest problems that I deal with every single day is trying to do too much. A ‘must do’ schedule is vital for me to make sure I get the basics taken care of. Sure, it might sound sole enough, get out of bed, have coffee/ breakfast, shower and dress. But if I don’t have those reminders, it is very easy for me to get caught up in the ‘want to do’s.’

I know its a bit late, but here is a strategy for that ‘should do’ list I mentioned.

1.  Take a look at this list every day. Is there something on it that you can do now? After lunch?  Feel free to add those to your schedule to the day.

2.  Forgive yourself.  This is so important. If you are too busy, run out of time, or just feel too overwhelmed with your day, go ahead and not do it. There is no need to feel badly because you forgot to vacuum under the couch cushions. Believe me, the only one who cares is you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER YOUR MISSED ACTIVITIES! All you end up doing is causing more stress for yourself.

I realize that all this may sound ridiculous at the moment, but trust me when I say that it can make a big difference when trying to manage bipolar disorder.

Think of it almost as a kind of therapy.  It pairs nicely with meds and support groups (which fits under the category of appointments in my next entry). 

Just try it. Once you establish a good routine and your supports are familiar with it as well, amazing things can happen.  And, as your mood changes from high to low, or vice versa, you may be able to pick up on the hints that a mood change is coming.  A warning that maybe all is not well.

Here’s a challenge.  Try this for a few weeks.  If you haven’t already, go back and read my last entry on creating a ‘must do’ list.  Make your own lists, and then a schedule that works for you.  Let me know how it goes. And I’m always ready and able to answer any questions. If you want some privacy, email me.

Good luck, and don’t forget to let me know your thoughts!

{June 5, 2012}   What day is it?

Oh what a day. And night. Last night we ended up babysitting a friend’s little boy. He had never spent the night away from home, so getting him changed and ready for bed was a bit of a challenge. At 11pm he was still running around and yelling, so we decided to walk to the store nearby. It took sooo long to get there, even though we carried him most of the way. We got him a small treat and went home again. He finally settled at about 1am. Then he was up at 7 this morning.

I have wandered through this day immensely confused because of this little visitor. I can’t seem to figure out whether I am coming or going today.

The point of this is the necessity of routine in the life of someone with a mental illness. Even a simple break from routine can cause long-lasting results.


1. Make a list of everything that you need to do every single day. A list will help you to see your daily activities, allowing you to break it down.

2. Break your list up into must do and should do. Be honest about it. Things like dressing, taking meds, showering, and eating should go on the must do list. Things like laundry and house cleaning can do on the should do list.

3. Using your must do list, make a schedule. It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect. It’s just a rough outline, so you can see how your day is going to look. image

This is what mine started out looking like. Nothing spectacular or fancy.

4. Now its all down to the timing. What time do you get up? Take your meds? I know you have likely been told to do these things at the same time every day, and it really is true. It helps. So, copy out your list and add the times to it. Get up at 8. Meds at 9. You get the picture. (At this point, it would be a good idea to type it out, or have someone do it for you.)

5. Make lots of copies and stick them everywhere. On your fridge. Taped to your bedroom door, or mirror. In your bathroom. Put them up anywhere you can think of.

6. Last step. If you have a cell phone, iPod, or any other electronic calendar, program everything into it. You can program alarms to remind you to do anything you need.

Check back tomorrow for tips for your should do list. Thursday I’ll talk about how to deal with all those pesky doctor’s appointments.

If you have a tip or trick that you use to organize your day, let me know! You can never have too many strategies!

Ok, let`s try again, shall we?  Finally,  I think, I may be coming to terms with my bipolar disorder.  Which may sound funny to some, since it’s been 6 1/2 years since I was diagnosed.  That, and I probably seemed to have come to terms with it a long time ago.  Yes, I accepted the diagnosis as true.  Yes, I take the meds every day, with rare exception.  I’ve een been in therapy twice.  But did I accept it?  No.  I continued about my life as if nothing had changed.  Not so much now, methinks…

I think I have finally been able recognize the ways that I am different from everyone around me.  Maybe that sounds weird, but, all this time, I just kept telling myself that I was no different.  Yes, I am a human being with rights, just like everyone else.  But I also have different needs.  Like I need at least 8 hours of sleep, every single day.  If I don’t get that much, I am more anxious and need to use my Ativan, which I hate using.

Also, I am paranoid beyond belief and so far nothing has been able to control it and keep it to a manageable level.  Therapy helped for a while, then I started telling myself that I was fine.  Yeah, that worked, didn’t it.  I am right back where I started. Maybe it’s time to go back…

There are other things too.  Like my moods, obviously.  Right now, I am fighting off depression.  I have no energy or motivation to do anything, and yet I get out of bed every morning, I go to work every afternoon, and do all of my running around in between.  I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.  Maybe cry, but I don’t think I have the strength for that.  And so, I just keep forcing myself to go about my day, and try not to take all my anger and frustration out on the world around me.  It’s not like anyone is to blame for how I feel.

I am different.  I need to take care of myself properly, every single day, or my moods will take over.  I guess now would be a good place to start…

Please feel free to share with me your thoughts on accepting mental illness, and how you cope with it.  I’d love to hear from you!

et cetera
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