Bipolar When It Counts











{September 10, 2012}   Now what?

I lost my best friend not too long ago. No, she didn’t pass on or anything like that. She just…isn’t my friend any more. And I don’t know what to do.

See, my BP is still causing me trouble. Granted, is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. My pdoc put me on a new med and, so far, it seems to be working. I feel so much better. At least, as long as I don’t think about what i have done.

I don’t quite understand how it all happened. One day we were friends, the next, I didn’t see her anymore. Ok, there’s more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s what happened.

Now, she might as well be dead. I don’t wish that, don’t get me wrong. I just mean that I have been going through the grieving process as though she was.

First, there was denial. I tried to convince myself, and her, that there wa nothing wrong with our friendship.

Second, anger. I blamed her new boyfriend for taking her away from me, when in reality, I had pushed her away.

Third, there was bargaining. I would have done anything if only she would just talk to me and be My friend again.

Next was depression. So strong that I almost began cutting again, just to deal with the pain. (I’m proud to say I didn’t.) I did, however, cry all the time. In fact, I still do.

Lastly, there’s acceptance. I know I fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I know I can’t make it right. I miss her every day, and some days its so hard to remember that I can’t just pick up my phone and call or text her.

I have been really hard to live with lately, I know that. She deserves more than a friend like me. If I could go back and change even a second of the pain and heartache I have caused her, I would.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. I can’t fix my friendship. Its gone and I am mourning the loss of my best friend.

I am not taking all the blame in this, however. I know I messed up, bit at that time, and even now, I needed my friend more than ever, and she left. I drove her away, but it wouldn’t have mattered. She was already halfway out the door.

So now what do I do? I have officially pushed away every person in my life except my family. All my friends are gone. How does a person cope with no friends. And trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I literally have no friends anymore.

I’m leaving town, that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking this as a sign. There’s nothing at all holding me here anymore, so its time to go.

My friend. I miss you. I hope you read this, but if not, I hope you know that I wish nothing but the best for you, and that I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused you.

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I think there is a grieving process to more things than we think of. But, I like the application here. I do hope you are feeling even better soon, and that your friend is either in or out for good. That’s a difficult thing when someone keeps popping in and out of your life. Take care.



Thanks. Im hoping everything straightens itself out, but to be honest, the guilt is killing me. I just hope i can learn to live with this soon



I don’t see why not. It’s something that requires practice until it feels right.



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