Bipolar When It Counts











{August 3, 2012}   Mess

Have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone? Like even with people all around you, there is no one to understand how you feel, or what you are thinking? That’s how I feel today. Like everyone is happy and living their lives, and I am just a ghost. An apparition that no one can see or hear or touch. No one feels my presence. No one talks to me. And no one sees the sheer anguish I feel today.

This, my dear readers, is what happens to me when hypomania has gone on for too long. This is the flip side for me. I am angry, sad, depressed, alone, invisible. Like there is a yawning black hole in front of me and I am standing with my ties hanging over the edge with nothing to stop me from falling into it. It is so tempting to just let myself go, to just lean forward and drop into the abyss, and yet I don’t. I am still fighting it. There is still hope. I think. I pray.

I wrap my invisibility around me like a blanket, soothing to my troubled mind. If I stay out of sight, then the beast can’t see me. It can’t find me standing on the edge and pull me down.

Oh God, I need help. This has gone on for too long. I’m losing my grip. I can feel it. But is it really me? Or is it maybe everyone else who is going batshit? I don’t know, but it doesn’t calm the pounding in my head. Drum beats, incessantly pounding, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, but always pounding.

If you have any issues you would like to see here, or articles and stories you would like to share, you can leave me a comment below, or email me at lmhennebury@hotmail.com

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