Bipolar When It Counts

{November 25, 2011}   Finally…The Rock has come back… Oh wait…

Ok, let`s try again, shall we?  Finally,  I think, I may be coming to terms with my bipolar disorder.  Which may sound funny to some, since it’s been 6 1/2 years since I was diagnosed.  That, and I probably seemed to have come to terms with it a long time ago.  Yes, I accepted the diagnosis as true.  Yes, I take the meds every day, with rare exception.  I’ve een been in therapy twice.  But did I accept it?  No.  I continued about my life as if nothing had changed.  Not so much now, methinks…

I think I have finally been able recognize the ways that I am different from everyone around me.  Maybe that sounds weird, but, all this time, I just kept telling myself that I was no different.  Yes, I am a human being with rights, just like everyone else.  But I also have different needs.  Like I need at least 8 hours of sleep, every single day.  If I don’t get that much, I am more anxious and need to use my Ativan, which I hate using.

Also, I am paranoid beyond belief and so far nothing has been able to control it and keep it to a manageable level.  Therapy helped for a while, then I started telling myself that I was fine.  Yeah, that worked, didn’t it.  I am right back where I started. Maybe it’s time to go back…

There are other things too.  Like my moods, obviously.  Right now, I am fighting off depression.  I have no energy or motivation to do anything, and yet I get out of bed every morning, I go to work every afternoon, and do all of my running around in between.  I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.  Maybe cry, but I don’t think I have the strength for that.  And so, I just keep forcing myself to go about my day, and try not to take all my anger and frustration out on the world around me.  It’s not like anyone is to blame for how I feel.

I am different.  I need to take care of myself properly, every single day, or my moods will take over.  I guess now would be a good place to start…

Please feel free to share with me your thoughts on accepting mental illness, and how you cope with it.  I’d love to hear from you!


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