Bipolar When It Counts

{November 19, 2011}   As the day goes on….

What a busy couple of days.  Ever  feel like you are falling apart in your head?  I certainly do.  Especially the last few days.  I hae spent  the last three days in a constant state of panic.  Added to that the actual panic attacks, and it has been pretty stressful.

If I could have one thing right now, it would be… what?  I have no real idea.  Something to settle down my mind, the stress.

On top of the bipolar, I have an anxiety disorder.  Which makes me paranoid of all things.  So I leave the house, and immediately, my f***ing head kicks in and my world is going to end by the time I get home again.  And then I want nothing more than to be at home, where I can protect what little I have.

I hae it stuck in my head that I must bear my burdens alone, that I am the only oone who can fix my issues.  Now, I know, in a purely academic sense, that this is not the case.  Unfortunately, my husband suffers from depression, and in trying to help him through it, I end up keeping my stress and anxiety inside.  It all came tumbling out yesterday morning, when I woke my husband up crying.  I told him everything that I had been keeping from him, an he held me while I cried.  Do I  feel better?  Believe it or not, no.  Now I just feel guilty for laying everything on him.  All in all, it really sucks.

Everyone thinks I am so strong.  I’m not.  Every day, I wake up, wondering what’s going to go wrong today.  I wake up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and can’t slow my thoughts down enough to go back to it.  I shake with the strain of it all.  I’ll climb out of bed and come downstairs, only to stare blankly at my computer, trying to figure it all out.  Maybe a few phone calls, if I think that will help.  Slowly, as I make plans for the day, the shaking subsides, and I can breathe.  Right up  until  the moment when I have to leave the house, when it starts again.

Things are really bad right now.  In so many ways.  I just keep it all to myself.  But, to be honest, my husband has been amazing.  Through it all, even though I may not talk about it all much, he has been there for me.  He has no idea how much I rely on him.  I am so lucky to have him.  Without him, I probably wouldn’t be doing as well as I am.  He is my rock, my champion.  He is, without a doubt, the best husband I could ever ask for…


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